My sanctuary is the beach. I find myself living through the frigid, wintry months begrudgingly and only lighten up when summer rears her head from the cold, darkness.
Everything is better at the beach. If I’m feeling down, the warmth of the sun beaming down on my face enveloping me with her sunshine brightens up my day both literally and figuratively. It’s a place I seek peace, solace and quiet….or one might think.
That all sounds very Hallmark-ish but it’s far from what I experience when my toes hit the sand. Stick with me for a few minutes and I’ll point out my biggest pet peeves at the beach. If you find yourself guilty of anything listed hereafter know you suck so bad!
- The close sitter – There are miles and miles of open space, not a soul in sight but you are going to plant your chair within arm’s reach of where I have tethered myself. MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- Table for one please – If you see me at the beach by myself, why oh why oh why, are you and your children sitting, kicking, playing or screaming anywhere near me. I am alone for a reason. I didn’t come to the beach to inherit a family.
- Please STFU – When you’re talking on your cell phone, guess what? I can hear you and so can everyone else! How cute that you think you are having a private conversation at the beach. Well newsflash, your voice carries on the beach and your conversation is now between you, the caller and everyone within two stones throw. Also, if you see me sitting alone, you and your best girlfriend who plan on talking the ENTIRE time shouldn’t be anywhere near me. I can hear every friggin word you say. SHUT UP and leave me alone!
- Keep the bread to yourself – Oh here’s a fan favorite. I’m lying peacefully on my blanket, earbuds blasting music in my head when suddenly it’s Alfred Hitchock’s The Bird’s movie in reality. I open my eyes to find seagulls swarming over my head and near my blanket because you thought it was a good idea not to waste your sandwich and/or chips and to put them to good use feeding the birds. Try this…DON’T FEED THE F’G BIRDS because they never, ever go away. We have now put a bullseye on our beach space.
- Run Faster – Mother Nature sometimes puts a little twist on our somewhat perfect beach day. She may grace us on scorching hot days with a welcomed breeze. Sure granules of sand may get in our eyes, blinding us. We may end up with sand in some unwanted areas but we accept our fate on days like this. What I can’t accept is someone’s umbrella hurling across the open sandlot with the umbrella owner barely moving. Suddenly beach goers are grabbing their children to safety and we are dodging umbrellas because you can’t move fast enough to grab it. Fine, I accept the fact that you lost control of your shade piece, however run faster and get your God damn umbrella. I’m all for helping someone out but I shouldn’t have to put my Flo Jo on just to grab your shit. You should be keeping pace with me.
- Parking for dummies – We’ve all done it. We drive up and down each aisle of the parking lot looking for a good spot. We find one, only to see a car has parked out of bounds of the white designated lines. Now you have fucked up a legitimate, coveted spot at the beach because (1) you’re too lazy to fix your half-assed parking job (2) you’re in a rush (3) you’re a douche.
- Head’s up – It’ s ok to walk past my blanket just don’t be a jerkoff. Here’s where the problem lies. You see me lying, perhaps even sleeping on my blanket. Yet, this doesn’t deter you or your offspring from walking, jogging or running within a few inches of my blanket kicking sand on me, my blanket and all my shit.
- Everyone out of the water – Rules are the rules. If you hear the whistle blow, get out of the water. Simple, no? Apparently not. Why must the lifeguard blow the whistle ten times for you to know to get out of the water? People are flocking to get out of the water. The lifeguard is frantically waving his arms to come in and there you are bobbing in the waters oblivious to all. Wake the f up!
- Diaper Patrol – The summer is hot. The beach is hot. When you change your baby’s poop diaper and you throw it in the metal mesh garbage can know that we ALL smell it on the down wind. OMG throw the dirty, poopy baby diapers in the bathroom. Whyyyyyy don’t people know to do this? Mind blown once again.
The list could go on and on for those that practice bad beach etiquette. The point is, why don’t some people know about this etiquette? I thought it was universal but I’m learning with each beach visit that it’s not. I mean I love kids. I love people. I love talking. But know that when you see a singleton at the beach, they are there by themselves for a reason. Try and be respectful of other’s and have a little self-awareness.
If you read this list and you’re guilty of even one transgression, STOP that shit! It’s not too late to be a friendly, silent, non-written rule follower. On behalf of all the leave me alone, I hate the world, I want silence beach goers…thank you.